October 28 at 3:21pm -
We must face the fact our child died. We must realize it is not the sequence of events that should ever take place. It is not a "normal" pattern in life for a parent to bury their child. But, it has happened. It’s not okay, but we can not change it. We can not exchange our life for our child’s. We can not replace them. We are left without them. It’s hard, it’s difficult to live without them. But, we must. Not for ourselves, not for them – no, we must live for others.God has a plan. The plan involving the death of our child is a thing I will never understand. God will show me one day. There is a reason we are here. Our life must continue on – other people need us.
In my case – there are bunches of family here with me. They need to know, I am weak, they are weak but God will give us the strength we need. There are other mothers who have lost their children too. They need us all. They need to know life continues on. We may not like it, we may not want to do it, we may not ever be the same – but we will be different together.
Remembering times with Amanda brings me joy. I remember her smile, laugh, how good she was at so many things but especially how much she loved her family. How happy she was when she got married, how happy she was to have children – how she took those responsibilities so seriously. She had a home full of love. She was a strong woman where it counted – knowing right from wrong. She wasn’t perfect, but she was my baby girl. I will miss her forever.
There will be times when I am completely overwhelmed with the hole but I will live – as long as He allows. I will live for Christ. I will live for my family. I will live for others. My life is not over – neither is yours. As long as we have breath, He has a plan! Don’t give up!!!
“That’s all I can stand, I can’t stands no more” Popeye
Do you find yourself at a point where you think, this is it, I’ve had enough? I was in the Doctor’s office yesterday and actually thought – okay Lord, no more, PLEASE! My blood pressure was high enough for the doctor to make me lay down and gave me a pill to bring it down. I wanted to scream. I have things to do, work, a baby shower, keep my beautiful grandchildren, vacation days….
I do not have time to lay here!
Instead, I did what I tell my grandchildren to do when they are upset or can’t sleep, I sang “Jesus loves me”. “Jesus, love me this I know, for the Bible tells me so”. Calmed me almost immediately. It’s a calming, peaceful and wonderful thing to know- Jesus loves me, even on that cold hard table, even on my worst day, even on my best day….Jesus loves ME! I thought, apparently I needed some time of rest and reflection. It gave me time to reflect on some important things.
I am loved.
With every stroke of their hair, I think of you,
With every show they perform, I think of you,
With every squirt of the hose, I think of you,
With every game they play, I think of you.
She laughs like you,
She sleeps like you,
She talks like you,
He hugs like you…..
I see you and want to hold on so very tight.
I want to tell them
How you loved God,
How you loved them,
How you played and laughed,
How you dressed and cared,
How you gave it all you had.
They need to know,
Fall was football,
Gamecocks of course
Winter was Christmas,
Christ birth most important
Spring was softball and Easter,
not in that order
Summer, oh how much we were looking forward to summer,
Beach trips, Mission Trip, movies, picnics, the American Doll factory, and Carowinds –
Oh, how we planned.
I wonder about the future, without you,
But know this, my dear daughter,
I will give it my all.
A smile to melt your heart
A laugh from deep within
Bursting with energy, Bellowing loudly
Caressing lovingly, Calling frequently
Don’t worry our dear children,
Do not concern yourself one bit
Everyone will remember, Every person who she met
Forever we will love you, forever tell your story
Great memories will be recalled,
Great times we all enjoyed
Heaven gained a winner, Here our race -still undone
I know you’re with our Jesus, I know we’re not alone
Jesus is the ending, Her last race she has run.
Jesus has our darling, Her reward she has won.
Keep us safe in your wings, Lord, Keep us on the track
Love will be our guide today, Love will see us through
Memories are a moment, Memories for a lifetime
Never ceasing to remember,
Never ceasing to keep on track.
Oh, children do not worry, Oh, children do not fret
Promises have been made now,
Promises He will not forget
Quiet times will shout loudly, Quit we will not do
Running will be our motto,
Running we will do.